Episode 64/Transcript
Tristan: Is this enough chips, are we gonna need more chips? I also have some pigs in a blanket coming later. Or I like to call them, weenies in a bun. (giggles) Shaw: Nah, bro, this'll be fine. Hey, what's the order code for your pay-per-view, huh? Tristan: Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. Shaw: Gross, thank you! What time are the guys gonna be here, the fight's about to start. Tristan: They'll be here in a few minutes. So, uh, which team are we rooting for? Shaw: Tristan, there are no teams in UFC. Just two dudes, locked in a cage, fuckin goin' at each other. Tristan: How have I never watched this before? (doorbell rings) Oh, that must be them! Shaw: Tell those bitches to hurry up, fuckin' prelims are almost over! No offense on "bitch" right? Tristan: None taken, bitch! Shaw: Ah fuck yeah, octagon girls! Tristan: Well hello there handsome! Tanner: Hi honey. (Tanner and Tristan make out) Shaw: Ewwww ewww ewww—alright! Yeah, you guys fuckin get it! Fuckin kiss that dude, bro! Yeah! Fuckin get that dick in! Tanner: Oh hey Shaw, good to see you, I guess. Shaw: 'Sup Tanner, sorry you don't have the right to get married, shit's fucked up, man. Tanner: Alright, uh, thanks I guess. Tristan, is this everybody? Tristan: Well I invited all the guys, but a lot of them were busy. Tanner: Oh, okay. Well who is coming? Than: Tanner, finally! Hey man, come get in on these fucking boneless wings. Shaw: Aw, I fuckin' love boneless wings, dawg! Than, bring that shit over here, Shaw's 'bout to fuckin' gnaw down, dawg! Than: I know right, just like awww gnnnaaawww awww, or how they eat... eating them like that. Shaw: Than, you're fuckin' hilarious man. Tristan, what's wrong with you, you should bring this dude around more often! Than: Yeah, Tristan, you fuckin' piece of shit. Tanner: Whoa, Than, Jesus Christ, that's my boyfriend. Don't be a fucking asshole, okay. Shaw: Oh shit! (takes off his shirt) Shit's 'bout to go down! Two of you are 'bout to throw down right now! C'mon, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! Come on! Let's do this! Tanner: No Shaw, Jesus Christ, we're not gonna fight. Shaw: Why, you pussy? Tristan: C'mon everybody let's sit down. Than: Aw man, alright. Tristan: Okay, so who are we rooting for. Oh, I like the one in the green shorts, he's a cutie. Shaw: Nah, nah, that's Mendez, he's a little bitch. All he knows how to do is takedowns and cheap-ass fuckin' submissions. Now, fuckin' Capella, he's the fuckin' man. He'll fuckin' stand there and bang with dudes all fuckin' night, you know? Than: Aw, I fuckin' love guys that can bang all night! Shaw: Fuck yeah, Than! Pound that shit! Than: Fuck yeah, I'll fuckin' pound your shit anytime! Shaw: This guy fuckin' gets it man! Tanner: Yeah, I'm pretty sure neither of you get it. Shaw: Aw come on, Capella! How you gon' let that little bitch take you down with a fuckin' single leg! Than: Yeah c'mon man, um, punch that guy in the dick! Shaw: Nah man, they don't allow that anymore. They made a rule. Than: What, no dick punches?! Shaw: I know fuckin' pussies right? Tristan: I hope you're taking notes mister. Tanner: Oh please Tristan, when was the last time I had to fight you to get you on your knees. Tristan: Mmmmmmmmmmm... true! Shaw: Oh shit, Mendez just took a knee to the dome! Tristan: Oh no, his beautiful face! Shaw: There you go, choke him out! Choke him out! (Shaw starts choking Tanner) Come on! Choke him out! Choke him out! Choke him out! Tanner: Get the fuck off of me! Get off of me! Shaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry bro, sorry. Tanner: What the fuck Shaw! Shaw: No harm no foul homie, I just get, I just get super into it! Alright, Jesus, you coulda tapped out you know. Tanner: Ugh! Tristan, do you wanna, would you mind... oh, fuck it, do you just wanna go upstairs and have sex? Tristan: Finally! But just so you know I'm gonna be calling you Mendez. Shaw: Alright go work some off some of that steam Tanner! Nothing wrong with that! Give my cousin some good dickin'! Alright, come on Capella finish him off. There you go! There you go! Fuck his ass up! Fuck his ass up! Than: Yeah, fuck him up the ass! Fuck him up the ass! Shaw: Wait, what'd you say bro? Than: What's that? Shaw: What— Than and Shaw: What-uh-what are you trying to say-uh-what-uh-uh-what-uh-what did you just-what-uh— Than: Oh, ah, never mind. Never mind. Doesn't matter. Shaw: Alright alright alright cool cool cool. Hey Than, it's pretty great that Tristan's gay and all huh? Than: Yeah, it's like his best quality in my book. Shaw: Exactly man, I just don't get how some people still have a problem with it you know. I mean he's just attracted to dudes' dicks, that doesn't make him any different than me. Than: It literally makes him no different than me. Shaw: How is it anyone's business right? It's not like they're gonna make you watch them fuck. Than: I know right? What if, that though, right? Shaw: Man, did you see Tanner's face after I put him in that fuckin' rear naked choke? Shit was priceless. Than: Oh man, you gotta teach me some of that rear naked stuff so I can hold Tanner down sometime. He's a slippery one. (Shaw and Than are wrestling on the floor) Shaw: Never give up your back, bro... and I can just mount you... and then we can go... ah, nice, nice, bro! Tristan: Now that's what I'' call a take down. '''Tanner': And I thought what we were doing was gay... Shaw: Transition. Transition. Transition. Transition. Transition. Tanner: What move is this? Oh I know this move. (in Brittnay's room) Trisha: Brittnay Matthews Mercenary Cheerleader, can you hold the fuck on please? Thank you. Hey Britt, how was the gig at the car dealership? Brittnay: Well, it was fucking terrible, Trisha. I had to stand out on a fucking corner with this stupid ass arrow all day. (throws said arrow onto the floor) I thought that being a Mercenary Cheerleader would be a hell of a lot better than this shit. Trisha: Well then I think you're going to enjoy this next job I booked you. Congratulations, Brittnay, you are officially the coach of your very own cheer squad. Brittnay: What? Oh my god, Trisha that's amazing. Finally! Ok, so what kind of squad is it? JV, Varsity— Trisha: Oh um, well actually it's not a high school team. Brittnay: Oh my god, don't tell me—you got me a job coaching cheer at the University of Kansas! Trisha: Uh, um, not exactly. Brittnay: Well then who the fuck am I coaching? Trisha: Cheer Tots! Brittnay: What the fuck are Cheer Tots? Katelynn: Ahhhh! I'm a gnome! I'm the hungriest gnome! Peeing Girl: I'm peeing! I'm peeing! Brittnay: God, what the fuck? Katelynn: Excuse me, are you our new cheer coach? Brittnay: Ugh, I guess so. Katelynn: What are you going to teach us? Brittnay: Well, what do you know how to do? Katelynn: Amanda knows how to do a somersault. Amanda: Wha, wha, wha, ahhh! (falls) Brittnay: Alright, cheer tots, fall in line! (everyone gets into a line) That includes you, Katelynn. Katelynn: I'm not a cheer tot, I'm a gnome. Brittnay: Get in the fuckin' line, gnome. Katelynn: Okay. Brittnay: Alright cheer tots, we're gonna start with the basics. Follow along. Give me a W. Cheer Tots: W! Brittnay: Give me an I. Cheer Tots: I! Brittnay: Give me an N. Cheer Tots: N! Brittnay: What does that spell? Amanda: Candy! Pigtail Girl: Refrigerator! Peeing Girl: Carpool! Katelynn: Gnome! Brittnay: Enough with the fucking gnome! Jesus Christ, alright listen up— Peeing Girl: Teacher! Brittnay: I'm not your teacher! What?! Peeing Girl: I have to go to the bathroom. Brittnay: Didn't you just piss your pants a few seconds ago? Peeing Girl: It's not pee! Brittnay: Ugh gross, okay, get the fuck out of here. Peeing Girl: Yay! Katelynn: Oooh a roly-poly! Brittnay: Do not eat that roly-poly! Katelynn: Eh! Brittnay: Don't! Katelynn: Oh! Brittnay: Stop it! Katelynn: Mm? Brittnay: You better not eat that fucking roly poly or else! Katelynn: Or else what? Brittnay: Or else I will drive my foot so far— (Katelynn eats the roly-poly) Katelynn: Mmm. Brittnay: Goddammit. Shay: Hey Britt. Brittnay: Jesus Christ, Shay! What do you want, I'm working. Shay: Yeah and a bang up job you're doing here. She just ate a bug and I'm pretty sure that little girl just shit her pants. Brittnay: Can I fucking help you? Shay: I have an offer for you. Brittnay: What? You want me to teach you how to cheer too? Shay: No, I'm not a cheerleader anymore. I quit the squad. I got fucking tired of Mackenzie's bullshit. Brittnay: I can fucking understand that. Shay: So I have a proposition for you. Why don't you and I join forces? Brittnay: Oh gee, let me think. Because I fucking hate you Shay! Shay: Brittnay, haven't you ever heard the saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend"? Brittnay: Yeah, but that doesn't apply when the enemy of my enemy is a fucking pigtailed dumbass who walks around saying "hiye" twenty four hours a fucking day. Shay: Okay, well that was uncalled for and a little bitchy. Look, Brittnay, while it sure looks like you're doing real well out here on your own with the fuckin' lollipop guild— Katelynn: Oh, oh, oh, and I'm concussed. Shay: Don't you really want to get back at Mackenzie Zales once and for all? Brittnay: What the fuck makes you think that you can help me with that Shay? Shay: I have a plan, Brittnay. A plan that will destroy the reputation of Mackenzie Zales for good. It's a fuckin' really good plan. But I need you to help me acquire the last piece of that plan. After that, Mackenzie Zales will be destroyed, and you and I can go our own separate ways. What do you say, Britt? Brittnay: Okay, but on one condition— Shay: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't fuck you, don't ever fuck you, I get it. Brittnay: Katelynn, you're in charge. Katelynn: Alright gnomes, it's time to do what us gnomes do! Let's go play in the street!